Just a Thought or Two

People who don't know me or my history always look at me and ask ...

I just smile and say that I cannot have children, that time has passed. They then proceed to tell me that maybe I should see a doctor about it or they say it will happen one day. I sometimes don't have the heart, energy or emotional strength to tell them that Ovarian cancer took away any and all hopes of me ever having a baby of my own. That just starts a whole list of questions, or sympathetic looks asking me if I am okay or if I need something. I try to be civil to acquaintances. I try not to let my emotions get the best of me and overflow onto innocent people who are unaware of my condition. 

That's my favorite one. I am in remission. No more chemotherapy. My hair is growing back. I still have a couple of surgeries I need done. I listen to my oncologist. I argue, but I listen. I am a bad patient sometimes. My husband reminds me that he needs me in his life and I need to be a good patient.  

 I am angry when I tell someone, we will call them "B" , for obvious reasons; that my husband and I are on the waiting list to adopt. Their response is not positive. It is hurtful. It makes me second guess myself. It makes me go home and cry. B tells me that I am wanting to adopt for the wrong reasons. I think to myself "Did you get every reproductive organ ripped out of your body because it was engulfed in a 35 pound tumor? NO!!?" I just look at B, wondering why they would say something so hurtful to me. B tells me that I am selfish for wanting to adopt a baby. That if I adopted now, it would be for all the wrong reasons. We are eating at my favorite Chinese cafe, I am no longer hungry and I leave. B tells me I overreact. I go home and tell my husband everything, I cannot hide my pain from him. He sees it in my eyes, in my soul. I am an open book to him and I love him and hate him at the same time for it.

Back to my person "B" , who is a relative by marriage. That is the only reason I still associate with B. B has also told me that I am projecting onto my chihuahua. Go ahead , laugh, I did. I thought it was funny. My chihuahua is 8 weeks pregnant today. I am (in B's eyes) living vicariously through my pregnant chihuahua because I am not able to have children and my womb was taken away from me, I don't want to take her's away. Seriously. If that was the case, wouldn't I be pushing my 21 year old daughter to start a family? No, that is Not the case. 

I have tons of support and friends and family who love me and who do not agree with "B". They want me happy. They want me to have what I have dreamed about. For now I am happy that I am healthy , or as healthy as I can be. I am not on chemo. I have a loving family , supportive friends and three dogs , General, Charlie and Gizmo who to them I am "Mamma", thier whole world, and thier protector.